POLITICS

WASHINGTON (CNN) - - President Bush addressed the public early Wednesday morning concerning allegations that he accidentally shattered a man's skull with a 12th century medieval spiked flail while hunting giant rats on the White House lawn. Sources say that the rats had been a growing problem on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue so President Bush took matters into his own hands.

"If I don't kill the rats, the rats win," Bush told CNN in an interview broadcasted Wednesday evening. "I'm really sorry I killed him. The man asked for a piece of cheese so I swung the spikey ball and struck him in his temple thus reducing his cravings for cheese to zero."

The Flail is a cousin to the Mace and was primarily used by infantry men. It is a jointed weapon consisting of a spiked, flanged or knobbed steel bludgeon joined by a chain to a short wood or steel haft. It is the perfect weapon of choice to kill giant rats. 

Jim Rover, a 68-year-old professional hair stylist, was killed instantly by the medieval weapon. Ironically, he had a fear of rodents and tried to imitate them so he would not be bitten by the swarm. This is why President Bush mistook him for a rat and beat him to death.

While President Bush's approval ratings plummet, a small group of renaissance fair workers applauded him for using such an elegant and accurate weapon. "Every vote counts," President Bush said to the media, "Even the ones from those dorks who dress up like Robin Hood."

Oh, and buy some shirts.

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This past weekend I attended a couple parties and learned a few things that I'd like to share with you.

It's important to know exactly how to conduct yourself at a party especially when there are people there you haven't seen in years. The first step is embellish and instill a healthy dose of jealousy. Tell them you've traveled to deepest darkest jungles of South America in search of a solid gold monkey. Very few people have the resources to fact check this. If they press further with questions call their bluff and tell them that the solid gold monkey is sitting in the trunk of your car. If they ask to see it you'll have to resort to plan B.

Plan B involves chloroform and about 2 feet of rope. We'll get to that later.

When you meet new people always pretend to listen closely to what they say. The best way to do this is to smile and imagine yourself trying to fit a regulation sized baseball in your mouth. You should try this now. I usually practice about two or three hours a day in front of a mirror.

95% of deadbeat dads will tell you that a good relationship is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. This is true. You must accept the fact that a good portion of the human race doesn't care what you have to say. It is to your benefit to know that lying is the backbone of democracy and a load bearing pillar of the social structure.

You should always get your compliments straight. Smart girls liked to be called hot and hot girls liked to be called smart. Men are oblivious to everything as long as you have breasts.

Always be sarcastic so people can't tell if you're actually a loser or not. Learn one fact about each of the major categories of conversation: sports, business, politics, fashion, movies, music, art, history, and nature. If you don't want to memorize any of these just learn a magic trick. Magic tricks trump everything.

Life is a contest between you and six and a half billion people but the only ones you have to beat are the kids you went to high school with.

Poison Apple Shirts

When you wear my shirts it's like a big hug from me.

I just got these girl shirts in a couple days ago. I don't know much about women's clothing other than I look damn good in them. Are these good styles to buy?

 

Anyone want to hang out with a reclusive and slightly deranged man? I need some company.

This is a short list I've compiled of what's cool and not cool in 2006. Go ahead. Print it out. Laminate it and put it in the bathroom. These little tips might just save your social life.

NOT HOT (2005): Cars were all the rage in 2005. It was the HOT new thing to have if you need to go to the supermarket or if you had to run from the police because you had an outstanding warrant. This year cars are out of style. They've gone the way of the... well... I guess they haven't gone the way of the Dinosaurs because that's what's HOT in 2006.

VERY HOT (2006): If you don't own or lease a Dinosaur in 2006 you might as well pack up your parachute pants and leave town in shame. They have great gas mileage and these ancient beasts go from zero to destruction in under 10 seconds. Cars depreciate in value the second you drive them off the lot but when you buy a Dinosaur it's an investment and a friend.

VERY HOT (2006): Turkish Bidets. It's a sink, for your butt.

VERY HOT (2006): The spoons. The spoons are the most amazing and versatile instrument on earth. Can you name another musical instrument that you can eat potato salad with? No. Well, maybe a flute. Flutes are pretty cool. So is porn. Porn is back too.

VERY HOT (2006): Just be yourself this year even if it means eating 3 tubs of ice cream and washing it down with some bacon. We'll still love you. We're not emo anymore.

THE ULTIMATE NOT HOT FOR 2006: Myspace is so 2005. Everyone, even my friends' mothers have Myspace. It's ridiculous. I don't want to read a chain mail bulletin my mother was forced to post because she didn't want to have 3 years of bad sex and have her vagina fall off. Myspace is definitly over and there's no way I'm checking mine every 5 minutes.

Who am i kidding. It's my only real friend.